Gods of Crackville
by BlackandWhite Masque
Summary: When life's this crazy, you'd have to be stupid not to realize that somenone else's pulling the strings. -M for the crack and language- Naruto, like' you've never seen them before, a weasel crazy Sasuke and a fashion designing Neji among others!


Gods of Crackville

Pseudo on Masque

Sakura: A few petals short of a cherry blossom.

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Century eggs? I blinked just to make sure that they were actually there, not just another figment of my imagination.

One… Nope, still there.

Two… No dice.

Three… Just fuck it; it isn't going anywhere I wanted it to, which was down the toilet. There they sat on a bowl, gleaming in the morning sunlight from the window, taunting me with all their smelly, repulsive…— eggy glory. Indeed.

I glanced warily at Deidara, the humming blonde at the counter. He had his back to me. He wasn't really my uncle, well, not by blood anyway. When my parents died— kicked the bucket, pushed the daisies, whatever you want to call it, the courts handed me to him and my other two 'uncles.' Blame it on the fucker who drew the lot.

"Deidara, what are these things posing as my breakfast?"

He turned around to look at me, his blue, blue eyes glowing. "Why Sakura-chan, I cooked it and I expect you to eat it, hmm." He had his arms propped on his hips and one hand held a knife. I backed away. Deidara may be an idiot, but he was good with knives.

"You didn't cook this, a century egg can't be— Holy cow is that my apron you're wearing?!"

He was wearing _my _pink apron that said "And you thought I kicked puppies." Don't misunderstand, I love puppies, I even have an actual pet fox. I found it running from a bulldog in summer heat, kicked the dog in a ditch, and left it there. I named him Naruto-chan because he seemed to like ramen so much… weird too because I have a classmate named Naruto who also liked ramen.

Back to reality, Deidara already ran a while ago. I called out to him, "Don't forget to feed Naruto!"

I felt something poking my leg. I looked down and saw Naruto nuzzling me. Aww. Who could hurt something like that? Who? I tried to feed him the century eggs but just one sniff and he was yelping away for the backdoor. Smart fox, knew the difference between food and poison.

Sigh. Maybe there was something _else _to eat in the fridge. I'd be damned if it were all filled with century eggs. Correction, Deidara be damned.

"Sakura, get out here, you'll be late, I will not be put to shame with my own niece being late… Or else."

Haha. That was Sasori. Red hair and amber eyes, short stature… people almost thought that we were of the same age. Until that one, awful time that I and my friends saw him making out with a poster in his room. It was like seeing your mommy being fucked by Santa. It scars you for life. Yeah.

I went out to the driveway; Sasori was sitting on his motor bike, looking for the entire world like a model for the cover of a magazine. If only that fateful poster incident hadn't come… If wishes were horses, we'd all be riding.

I tripped on something before I even got out of the front door. It was big, and blue— and oh my Kami-sama he's repulsive! If I had my way, he was also soon to be dead. Too bad murder was a federal crime in these areas… Oh but just you wait, Kisame, just you wait!

"What the hell are you doing there?" I poked him with a foot; I hope he hadn't contracted anything contagious. Like HIV or something. Okay, so maybe you can't get HIV by just touching someone, but you never know with Kisame.

He just stared at me, didn't move a muscle. I hated staring back at his fishy, scaly face but he did something so outrageous that I just _had_ to. Damn. The grown man's circular eyes were brimming with tears! Can fish even cry?! "Sakura-chaaaaan! Uwaaaa!" He reached out to me with his muscular arms, and I kicked him in the nuts before he even touched me.

"Deidara! The baby's home!" I hollered over my shoulder.

"Oh no, he got home _last night_. Your pretty uncle Sasori wouldn't let him in," came the reply in a loud, screechy lady-man voice from the kitchen.

I looked at Sasori, sure that if a question mark could manifest itself in my face, it would be big, and fucking red. Kisame is stupid, and he's not really my favorite uncle, but start having wasted people sleeping on your porch and people start to wonder…

He was still reclined on the motorcycle just that his head was inclined to my direction. Heh, hot stooge stud. I know he's my uncle but you just can't deny smexiness like that.

"He'd puke all over the upholstery…" we both looked at the puddle near Kisame. "Besides, he'd make such a raucous that you'd have thrown him out anyway."

True. So I just let him be.

Deidara pulled Kisame inside without me knowing, probably having century eggs slammed down his throat. There are things that I wouldn't force on anybody living, human or otherwise. Sigh.

"Coming?"

I said goodbye to Naruto-chan before I sat with Sasori on the motor bike. Built it himself he said. Yeah, and leprechauns give me pots of gold. He named it though… Lil' Jackie. Shows what we know about his real gender.

One thing about Sasori though is that he was the most responsible among the uncles I've been handed to— or been given. Hell yeah, they're my bitches! Case in point, he can be a good role model when he drags his ass out of bed enough.

On our way to school, we passed a bum on the sidewalk. He was sniffing something on a plastic bag, looked like dope to me. He wasn't fooling me; I'd seen that look on too many people already. He was just wasting his life, bullcrap for him.

Who was I to throw stones? Where had exactly my life been going this past 14 years? The first three years of my life were spent with my real parents, who unfortunately, nearly got wiped off of someone's windshields. The nice police lady clearly told them not to drive drunk, apparently not good for anyone's system. Did they listen? I think the fact that I'm stuck with not one but three stooges was answer enough.

I didn't blame my parents for leaving me ass-deep in idiots of course, they tried their best. They weren't going to magically rise from the dead, hell if I tried. They at least tried to hand me to someone who had money and could take care of me— I survived, that must mean my uncles were doing a good job!

My custody-hopping wasn't really much of a hop. The oafs' house was right next to my old home. Did the situation really have to be so… stupid? My childhood home was just a stone throw's away, literally. Oh well, you're born in Crackville, you're bound to die in Crackville.

I saw a few teenagers dressed in the same uniform I was, walking together to the direction me and Sasori were going. Chances are we go to the same school.

_Really High_— I mean it, that's the name of the fucking school. Hey, what else would you expect from a place called Crackville? Why couldn't they name the town something outdoorsy… like Konoha or something?!

I wonder if Sasuke and Naruto— human, not the pet, were already at school. Sasuke probably is. He's always early no matter what, even for morning assembly, the bane of my every Monday. Naruto, who I met _before_ I saved Naruto-chan, my pet fox, can't be counted on for anything, not even for going to the bathroom.

I'm loathe not to admit it, but these two freaks are my bestfriends. I love them! I've known them all my life, their bound just like me to the curse of Crackville. If it hadn't been for them, I probably wouldn't have survived being a foster kid.

We call ourselves the 'Three Musketeers' although Sasuke insists on 'Two Musketeers and a Half.' He says Naruto isn't man enough to constitute as a single man. Heh, good ol' bastard.

A lot of our summers were spent lounging under the maple trees in Sasuke's mansion because he's fucking loaded. Each day were used to think of a way to escape Crackville, each crazier than the last, proving that a day in Crackville deteriorates your brain by a gram.

Well, until that day comes, I guess.

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